AUSTIN, Texas (Reuters)- After four straight losses, the Bros HC were looking for change last night in their matchup against the equally discombobulated Griffins. After turning over some couch cushions, the Bros, who played short, scraped together 14 goals against a Griffins team that played with clipped wings and who could never really take off. The Bros bench was short, and they found relief in the form of Nick “Machine Gun Funk” Leggett, on loan from the Roadrunner league, and Ryan “Who Shot Ya” Macia of rival Layin’ Pipe. Leggett scored one goal, and his monster flow added in a second. Macia tallied two on the same shift, and his defensive prowess helped propel the Cannon Boys to a 7-0 shutout through the first half. Steph “Unbelievable” Meyer scored five goals last night, including a first half hat trick. Pierre McGuire gushed about how he spent a lot of time watching Meyer in junior mites, and tweeted “Here is an example of his (Meyer) greatness. Strength, desire, the will to finish it off!” Danny “Gimme the Loot” Pranno tacked on a late game goal, and Mickey “#!*@ Me Interlude” Bush finally managed to get the ol’ forehand backhand move down, finessing the puck past goalie Ryan Suder twice. McGuire later commented on what made the Bros such a great offensive machine last night, stating “Besides skills, smarts, and awareness, they had great hockey sense!”

The Bros defense were anchored by broalie Steven “Big Poppa” Sullivan, who carried a shutout through the first half of the game, and allowed only two goals in 50 minutes of play. For his monumental efforts between the pipes, Sullivan was awarded the coveted Gonzales flag. Pierre McGuire gushed about Sullivan’s body presence in net, even mentioning how Sully stole a few moves from Devils’ tendie Cory Schneider. Matty “Juicy” Young played another stellar game, and capped it with a great bat down of the puck with his glove, followed by a quick top shelf wrist shot goal. Captain Andrew “Everyday Struggle” Feigenbaum took the safeties off, and scored the Bros second goal with a deke, dangle, and bardownski hammer. Roy “Just Playing (Dreams)” St. John chugged seven Red Bulls, the ones with the sugar, and two Mountain Dews before the game. St. John was in full beast mode, blocking shots, making tape-to-tape passes, and destroying plates of chicken. McGuire had a chance to interview St. John after the game, and asked Roy about what he did differently last night as opposed to the game against the Wolves. Roy responded, “*Chomp, chomp* head nod, chomp.”

All scoring aside, the Bros did show respect to Griffins captain Ryan Suder, who padded up and minded the crease for the Griffins. This was Suder’s first game in net at this level, and he did a fantastic job overall, and took away multiple two-on-one attempts. The Bros excelled with their passing and forecheck presence last night. These two factors were the key reasons for the Bros victory. Relentless shooting, tape-to-tape passing, and good line changes, along with heads-up skating allowed the Boys in Black to absolutely dominate every facet of the game.

Next week, the Bros look for Sweet, sweet, revenge as they face off against the garish SweetHarts at 7:45.

GAME NOTES:
Scott Van Pelt- DNP due to alien abduction
Scotty Hockey- DNP, upper body injury
Fabian Figi- DNP, slaycation in Vegas
Ross Tagtow- DNP, Zika Virus

BY THE NUMBERS:
12- Largest margin of victory in Bro history.
2- Games this season that Meyer has first half-hat-tricks.
1- Number of Bro girlfriends’ who have babysat Steph when he was a broddler.