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I WANNA WATCH YOU BLEED: BROS SUFFER CRUSHING BLOW FROM LAYIN’ PIPE

AUSTIN, Texas (AP)- The playoff picture became a bit clearer last night at The Pond Hockey Club when Layin’ Pipe dealt the recently surging Bros HC a devastating 7-4 loss. The defeat ended the Bros’ late-season, emergent run for a second place regular season finish and eliminated them from potentially playing in the championship on June 6th. Fans and players from the previous games stuck around to watch the evening’s marquis event, and it was worth the price of admission with all the feel of a playoff matchup. Families complaining about the costs of professional sporting events need to consider attending beer league games at the Pond. Admission is free, and it’s always bring your own beverages and bring your own hot dogs and nachos. What rink isn’t complete without the great smell of a nacho stand, complete with glorious artificial, highly viscous nacho cheese, accouterments bar, and tortilla chip warmer? The staff at the Pond assure us that something is in the works. They’ll cut your ice, then cut your onions! Speaking of onions, this game was a heartbreaker for the Bros as they stepped off the ice with tears in their eyes and pride on their sleeves.

The two teams valiantly battled through the first ten minutes of the scoreless game before Bros winger Danno “Rocket Queen” Pranno kicked, dragged, pushed, poked, prodded, and lifted the puck past Pipe’s goalie, Justin Sherman. Not to be outdone, Pipe quickly tied the game. The Bros found the back of the net again when Steph “Welcome to the Jungle” Meyer put a rebound between the post and Sherman’s skate. The play was set up by Fabian “You’re Crazy” Figi. Meyer and Figi provided a well-balanced attack on the forecheck, and both provided excellent pressure on the backcheck. Again, after a quick score, Pipe was again able to shore up the scoreboard as the clock ticked down to the closing minutes of the first half. With less than two minutes remaining in the first half, Bros captain Andrew “It’s So Easy” Feigenbaum took a slash and was awarded a penalty shot. Feigenbaum made a quick backhand deke before burying a forehand, top shelf three-hole on Sherman. In the closing seconds of the first, Pipe roared back to tie the game at three.

The tables turned in the second half in favor of Pipe. Ryan Macia and Rye Wilson found ways to thread the needle, with Wilson sniping broalie Steven “Out Ta Get Me” Sullivan’s water bottle. Twice. Sullivan held his own all night, as did the Bros defense. Feigenbaum paired with Noah “Paradise City” Leggett, who found his way back to dressing in black for the Bros for the second straight week. Leggett is searching for his first Maurer-Hart Memorial Trophy in the Roadrunner league at Chaparral, and has provided highly efficient and effective backchecking prowess while on-loan to the Bros. In his penultimate game as a Bro, Matty “Anything Goes” Young continues to impress the scouts in the HockeyFinder beer leagues of Minneapolis. Young played a superb game last night with Ross “Sweet Child O’Mine” Tagtow. Tagtow played with a devastating upper body injury that occurred last week against the SweetHarts, but still provided effective pressure on defense. Tagtow relied on instincts which consistently put himself in position to block shots with his head, shoulders, knees, toes, eyes, ears, mouth, and nose. For his bravery [read: insanity], Tagtow was awarded the coveted Gonzales flag. With the sun waning beyond the horizon and the chance of victory purged of their system, the Bros took one more, prideful run at narrowing the 7-3 deficit. Tagtow heaved the puck toward Sherman and Scott “Mr. Brownstone” Van Pelt redirected the attempt into the net, closing the game 7-4. Van Pelt missed the past two games due to an alien abduction two weeks ago and a regional blackout preventing him from airing last week in Toronto. While he may have had some rust on his wheels, there was nothing rusty about his wrist shot. It’s only a matter of time before his post spotting morphs into goal scoring.

Next week the Bros close out the season at 6:30pm against the Red Rockets. A victory will send the Bros to the playoffs with another .500 regular season.

YOUR Mister Tramps Sports Pub & Cafe BY THE NUMBERS:
11- Straight penalty shots stopped by Sullivan.
1- Number of games remaining on Young’s contract with the Bros. He plans to exercise his UFA right and is expected to sign with HockeyFinder Minneapolis.

GAME NOTES:
-Scott McNearney was scratched due to reenacting the car chase scene from the 2003 remake of “The Italian Job.”
-Marc Henderson was scratched because of a flooring sale at Home Depot.
-Mic Bush was scratched because he discovered a new mutant protein strand in the lab and he’s testing its performance enhancing effectivity.
-Roy St. John was scratched because he was riding down the backroads of central Austin scraping roadkill off the streets. Reports from the St. John camp indicate that the carcasses were dead for so long, there were two yellow lines running down the middle of the remains.

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