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I’M CALLIN’ ALL THE BROS TONIGHT, I’M LIKE A LOADED BRO: BROS WIN FIRST GAME OF SEASON IN 3-0 SHUTOUT

AUSTIN, Texas (AP)- The Pond Hockey Club. After a tumultuous 0-3 start to the Fall 2016 season for the Bros Hockey Club in which they lost each of their first three games by a one goal differential, the team needed to win. After an emotional pre-game locker room speech by captain Andrew “Eat The Rich Bro” Feigenbaum in which he guaranteed a Bro victory to his grandfather on his 95th birthday, the stage was set as the Bros took to the ice for warmups with a renewed vigor as they stared down a long, three period battle against The Leftovers.

The Bros nicely swung into a fast cadence early on in the game, with high-pressure shifts from the offense and rock-steady defense. Midway through the first period, Bro Nick “Bro In An Elevator” Leggett found himself in the right place at the right time in traffic in front of Leftover goalie Michael Nightingale. Steph “Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Bros)” Meyer used a screen set up by the Leftovers’ defensemen to put a shot on Nightingale. Leggett found the rebound and buried the puck into the net for the opening goal of the game. The Bros found themselves behind the wheel of a winning machine for the rest of the night.

After leading 1-0 through the first, the Bros continued to absolutely smother the Leftovers on the Bro forecheck. Bro Scott “Same Bro Song And Dance” Van Pelt proved to be a deflection machine for most of the night, redirecting countless shots from the likes of Ross “Bro In My Soul” Tagtow and Fabian “Bro In The Saddle” Figi. Their line generated multiple prime scoring opportunities, however Nightingale continued to keep the Leftovers in the game.

The Bros continued pressure extended to a new look on the power play. The team simply smothered the shorthanded Leftovers. The Bros excelled at passing, executing patience, and looking for prime scoring opportunities by moving the puck to the open man and baiting their opponent to open up a better look. Bro Drew “Janie’s Got A Bro” John continues to improve and impress as he fills in the rotation slot.

In the third period, the Bros added an insurance goal when defenseman Chris “Dude (Looks Like A Bro)” Beard slipped the puck through Nightingale’s five-hole slot. Feeling energized after opening up a bigger lead, the Bros kept up the pressure on the forecheck, and Noah “Sweet Embrotion” Leggett added a highlight-worthy short-side, top shelf wrist shot goal. His goal proved to be the dagger in the Leftovers’ heart as time expired.

If Donald Trump feels the need to build a wall, he should look no further than broalie Chris “Bro On” Luscombe. ESPN’s Nicole Briscoe’s Top 10 Plays of the Day featured not one, not two, not three, but FOUR of Luscombe’s incredible saves from last night’s game. David Blaine is still trying to figure out what kind of black magic voodoo wizard sorcery Luscombe called upon with his first period web gem glove save. Luscombe earned the shutout and the team’s much revered Gonzales Flag.

Beard’s defensive prowess was aided by Layne “Bro-in’ on the Edge” Brougher, who continues to improve steadily with each game. Larry “The Brother Side” Powell was a towering poke check machine, and the Bros captain Feigenbaum blocked countless shots and channeled his inner Pele scooting the puck out of the crease on the few occasions in which the Leftovers were able to penetrate the Bros lines.

Make no mistake, the Bros team effort in this victory proved to be a vulnerary remedy to the bleeding wound that developed after three straight demoralizing losses.

Next week, the team continues to build off of this win when they take on Learn To Skate at 8:10pm at the Barn.

GAME NOTES:
Beard played like a man light on his feet. Probably because he finally sold his damn stereo.

BY THE NUMBERS:
21- Tagtow’s age on Saturday.
1- Number of shutouts for the team.

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