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HIS MOTHER TOLD HIM, “SOMEDAY YOU’LL BE A BRO.” BROS ADVANCE WITH WIN

AUSTIN, Texas- (AP). The Pond Hockey Club. The Bros were eliminated from a championship win last week, but they were determined to claw their way up the standings against a struggling Learn 2 Skate (L2S) squad in this second round of playoffs.

In what may be lifelong Bro Steph “Maybrolline” Meyer’s penultimate game as an active member, the team rallied to dignify an otherwise average season marred with close finishes and shootout losses.

This game started out with sloppy play from the Bros, who adorned the golden sweaters and hornet leg warmers. Within the first few minutes, L2S struck first with an Andrew Brown wrist shot. Chris “30 Days to Come Back Bro” Beard stepped on to his next shift undeterred, burying the shot off a surgically precise pass from Nick “You Can’t Catch Me Bro” Leggett. After Beard’s goal, the Bros found their stride, and Fabian “Too Much Monkey Bro Business” Figi deked his way into the hearts of two fans and one of the Zamboni drivers, scoring his first of the night. Meyer followed suit, scoring on a strong forehand shot after driving through two L2S defenders.

The Bros were still not done scoring in the first period. Figi caught a stretch pass from Beard for the breakaway and found time to catch the pass, lose the pass, regain the puck, turn around, lose the puck, regain the puck, fake a backhand, and score on a backhand shot. At the end of the first period of play, the team was comfortably up 4-1.

The second period was more of the same. Figi collected a hat trick with 7:47 left in the period, and on the ensuing faceoff, Noah “Brown Eyed Handsome Bro” won the drop back to captain Andrew “Roll Over Brothoven” Feigenbaum, who shook off a L2S forward and found Meyer with a sauce pass. Meyer found the top shelf where mama keeps the cookies for his second of the night, putting the Bros ahead 6-1.

The Bros did all the little things right, and that allowed the team to finish with the victory. Sublime backchecking from the defensemen, including an unbelievable play by David “Havana Moonbro” Biagini that exterminated a Brown breakaway, two blocks and strong lane presence by Feigenbaum, and excellent puck management from Noah Leggett guided the Bros onto the forecheck. Layne “School Day: Ring Goes the Bro” Brougher facilitated an offensive presence and helped maintain the forecheck with BeardTom “Rock and Roll and Bro Music” Harp played his best game of the season, executing well-placed passing and screens in the neutral zone and on the forecheck.

Tensions rose as the second period advanced into the latter stages as Nick Leggett was being thrown around unnecessarily and with impunity by L2S. Those in the booth questioned if he was being targeted. Noah Leggett‘s gravamen of the situation was respectfully addressed by the linesman.

Larry “Oh Babybro” Powell‘s wisdom and intuition on the ice helped force a L2S player off the forecheck while he prowled the blue line for a breakout. He also helped cycle the puck in the high slot and was robbed of an excellent look on the point. Drew “Reelin’ and Rockin’ Bro” John was asked to play center tonight, and he admirably played the position. John found scoring opportunities, and continued to relentlessly pursue and shakedown opponents in the neutral zone. Ross “Sweet Little Sixteen Bro” Tagtow provided ancillary support in the neutral zone and set plays up from the corner for his teammates. Eddie “Johnny B. Goode” Valls established that the “B.” stands for “Bro.” Valls effortlessly moved the puck in transition into the offensive zone and tirelessly worked the boards in the high slot for breakout opportunities. His ability to hold the puck is astounding, and he seemingly does so so smoothly that Michael McDonald asked to use Valls‘ stick as a microphone stand to “Make sure the sound is extra smoove.” Without fail, goaltender Chris “Sweet Little Rock ‘N’ Broller” Luscombe dominated the crease, allowing only two goals on 21 attempts. Both goals were hard earned and by Andrew Brown.

For his hat trick and relentless backchecking, Figi was awarded the team’s Gonzales Flag and first star. Meyer took home the Gadsden Flag and second star.

The Bros look to finish out the winter season with another win next Wednesday. The time is TBA.

GAME NOTES

Scott “Little Queenie Bro” Van Pelt DNP because he heard there was a chance to caddy someone famous that isn’t really famous except to people who watch golf on TV on Sunday afternoons.

BY NUMBERS

1- Hattricks for Figi on the Barn;

2- Number of games the team’s had a full roster suit up for a game;

6- Most goals scored by the Bros in one game this season.

RIP Chuck Berry.

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