AUSTIN, Texas (AP)- The Pond Hockey Club. Learn 2 Skate played the first shift like they had taken their own advice. They tossed the opening draw forward, chipped the puck deep, and hemmed your Bros in—but no matter, the Bros set up their defense and kept the puck to edges, making sure the only way L2S could score would be—annnnd it went in.
A snipe from the top corner of the zone, the seeing-eye puck had the Bros seeing replays of their cursed luck from the week before. But the Bros knew they could, in fact they had to grind out a win.
And the ice began to tilt in their favor—Drew “Bros of Iwo Jima” John started to get his D-legs under him, and improved with every shift. The frantic forecheck of Fabian “Tornadbro” Figi and Scott “Bro Stick” Van Pelt started to create turnovers and earn power play opportunities. But the L2S tender was stealing the game—swallowing every puck that came near, like Guy Fieri on the border of flavortown.
By the start of the second, your Bros had not put the biscuit in the basket for over four straight periods. They were starting to get desperate, and numerous power plays only increased the pressure. In over a minute of 5-on-3 time the Bros peppered the tender like a bland beef stew, but still couldn’t score.
Chris “Where the Bro Don’t Stay” Beard had a chance, pulling a penalty killer behind the net, then rushing the puck up the right side. Learn 2 Skate had forgotten how to, and they let Beard fly past them all the way to the net—but a last second whack of the stick caused the pack to slip wide of the yawning net. After the game, Beard was also overheard blaming his equipment.
Nonetheless, the Bros were controlling the game. Some savvy passes from Captain Andrew “Never (Not) Gonna Bro” Feigenbaum kept the puck moving north, Ross “Cottonbro” Tagtow used his soft hands to reliably navigate the puck away from danger, and Michael “Carl Perkins’ Bro” Qualls was a rock in the neutral zone—but despite doing the little things well, the Bros couldn’t seem to get a good shot off at the right time.
It turns out, they wouldn’t need one. Late in the 2nd, Qualls doggedly won the puck in the corner, then made a strong move to the front of the L2S net. Thwarted by the last defenseman, the puck dribbled free—right to Travis “The Day John Henry Broed” Considine, who lifted the puck back across the grain and into the twine—giving the Bros both the goal and huge sigh of relief. Crash the net, and good things happen: Consadine’s first goal in 10 years had made it 1-1.
With the game tied going into the 3rd, the Bros knew the game was theirs, and their forwards started imposing their will. Kyle “Puttin’ Bros on the Moon” McIntosh and Nick “Daddy’s Bro” Leggett were cycling, passing, stealing, shooting—a swarm of gold and black in the offensive zone. A goal began to feel inevitable. Bert “Bro form Alabama” Bischof wouldn’t let the L2S defense breathe, and Noah “Danko/Bro” Leggett smothered the L2S forwards on the backcheck. The Bros were controlling the puck all over the ice, and even goaliebro Chris “Lookout Bro” Luscombe got into the action—making Turco-esque outlet passes to help the Bros keep the pressure on the other half of the ice.
Finally, the payoff goal would come on the PP, when Nick curled around the top of the left circle like frickin McDavid and picked his spot between the tender’s blocker and the post. 2-1 Bros. Not too much later, actual bro Noah fired a bomb from the point, and Travis tipped home his second goal of the game. The breakout performance from Considine would earn him the coveted (but missing) Gonzales flag.
Though L2S scored a late goal, they never really mustered a chance to tie, as the puck movement from the D, and the forwards’ tenacity on the boards ultimately left L2S chasing. The Gadsen flag for 2nd star was given to the smelling salts which were passed around midway through the second period.
Kerry “Goddamn Lonely Bro” McAlister spent the game admiring his reflection in downtown Chicago’s gigantic shiny bean
Vegas set the over/under for Smetana penalties against the Bros at 3.5—delighting the gutsy bettors who took the under
By the numbers
91% — Luscombe’s save percentage in the game—higher than the combined save percentage for Anaheim goalies in the series they won against the Oilers
$7 mil — How much the Dallas Stars would pay per year to get that from their goalies
0 — Combined penalty minutes for Feigs, Drew, and both Leggetts