AUSTIN, Texas (Reuters)- Last night, one of the most outrageous, insulting, ignorant, and foolish games- wait, forgive the author, who briefly relapsed into his cosmopolitan bias- wait, we’re here to talk about a hockey game, not the Stephen Miller/Jim Acosta exchange over the new immigration reform bill. What needs to happen is a referee reform bill at the local level because last night the Bros and Mean Eyed Cat (MEC) combined for 61 penalty minutes in a 42 minute game after an uncalled crosscheck early in the second period led to a downhill spiral of retaliation and counter-retaliation due to polemic officiating. The game was sponsored by Pennzoil because of all the whistles. Stop. Blow. Pennzoil.

The Bros jumped out to an early lead when Fabian “I’ll Be Gone Bro” Figi scored off a setup from Ross “Loving Bro Cup” Tagtow. The lead was extended when Chris “Bro Em” Beard went coast-to-coast to score with a Crosby-esque short-side, off-hand backhand chip shot. The MEC got on the board late in the first period when a shot was deflected off the stick of captain Andrew “Woke up in a Bro’s Police Car” Feigenbaum. The Bros were in full control of the first period and carried that momentum into the second period before the now infamous “Blue Line Yard Sale of 2017” took place. Bro Nick “Call the Brolice” Leggett left the game after he was assessed 17 minutes of penalties. BHL correspondent Barry Melrose spoke with Nick before he hit the showers to ask about the brawl. “Barry, I’m just tired of being targeted and not getting any calls. Dude checked me in to the boards and it was a no call. I push him and next thing I know, I’m getting punched in the face and my helmet was ripped off my head and thrown down the ice. The refs didn’t do anything about it. What more do you want me to say?”

After the ice shavings settled, players pulled apart, and penalties assessed, the teams got back to playing hockey. With the help of Scott “Pinball Bro” Van Pelt, Figi returned the favor to Tagtow, who scored on a beautiful slot run snapshot to give the Bros a 3-1 lead. Kevin “Run for Cover Bro” Gifford scored with a slapshot off a pass from Travis “Come a Little Closer Bro” Considine. The play was set up by a good neutral zone turnover initiated by Steve “Little War Bro” Czerniak. Despite the 4-1 deficit, the MEC clawed their way back and the second period came to a close with the Bros on top 4-3.

The Bros controlled the puck in the third. Noah “Fire Detectbro” Leggett, Beard, and Van Pelt stepped up and carried the puck well up ice. Tagtow and Feigenbaum dominated the backcheck with blocks, and Bert “Brolivion” Bischof did a tremendous, albeit unorthodox, job on the penalty kills. Jay “Back Street Bro Hangout” Wood came up with a huge block at the point on a penalty kill, but came back late in the game to help fend off the MEC’s empty netted attack. Kyle “Desperation Bro” McIntosh had a few good looks last night, but was unable to score. He played tremendously along the boards and held the MEC out on multiple breakout attempts thru the neutral zone. Van Pelt scored on the empty net in the waning seconds to give the Bros the 5-3 victory.

The Bros’ Chris “Bro Guitar” Luscombe played a fantastic game, stopping 35 of 38 shots. His acrobatic saves and solid positional play in and out of the crease protected the Bros’ lead en route to victory. With each effortless stop, Luscombe reminded the MEC that no one was going to score right in front of his salad. Melrose spoke to Luscombe after the game and asked Chris about his thoughts on his second start back after a long trip to Europe. “Well, Barry, I felt really good out there tonight, felt loose and comfortable. Saw the puck really well. Would’ve liked to have been hit about three fewer times after the whistle, but nothing you can do about that. Figi gets called for an unsportsmanlike when he does it, then it happens to me three times and there’s no call. Just would like to see more protection for the goalies, but it is what it is. Can’t wait to get back between the pipes next week and pick up where we left off this week.”

For his exceptional two-way play and grit, Jaromir Beardgr was awarded the team’s first star. Luscombe received the second star. The Bros look forward to a clean, properly officiated game next Wednesday at 6:45 pm against the white-hot Snipez squad.

BY THE NUMBERS

61- penalty minutes in…

…42- minutes of game play.

38- shots faced by Luscombe.