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THERE’S NO ONE LEFT TO ASK IF I’M ALRIGHT: BROS DROP 4TH STRAIGHT

AUSTIN, Texas- (AP) The Pond Hockey Club. After a devastating 6-0 loss to Learn 2 Skate last week where even BHL staff writers were at a loss for words, your beloved Bros looked to battle back against the struggling Burt’s Reynolds (BR- nee Barn Burners nee Layin’ Pipe). The Bros donned their golden jerseys in an effort to right the proverbial ship before the playoffs open in a few weeks. After the past few weeks of quaquaversal play, the team decided to juxtapose the roster a tad for maximum offensive production. The first period set the tone for what turned into a goal-for-goal barn burning thriller. Unfortunately, the Bros once again fell short, losing 7-6.

The first period featured plenty of promise from the new full-throttle lineup that featured Chris “If It Takes a Lifetime Bro” Beard at center flanked by Scott “24 Bromes” Van Pelt and recently returned Kevin “Broship” Gifford as the power unit yin to Noah “How to Broget” Leggett’s line with Travis “Bros of Bros’ Considine and Kyle “The Bro You Chose” McIntosh’s finesse yang. Both offensive lines prowled the ice with excellent puck movement and peppered goalie Marc Allen with shots. Beard scored the game’s first goal, but it was quickly matched by the BRs. Undeterred, Van Pelt made magic happen by doing what he does best after deflecting the puck through Allen’s legs off a Beard shot to give the Bros a 2-1 lead. A heavily undersized Bros defense struggled against the skill and reach of Rye Wilson, who managed to tie the game. The fans in the stands and the players on the bench all knew that this game would be determined by which team could outlast the other on the latest season of SURVIVOR: AUSTIN ICY LIMITS. Team BR scored again to take a 3-2 lead at the end of the first frame.

Before the start of the second period of play, on ice correspondent Kathryn Tappen tapped Van Pelt to ask about the Bro’s strategy for the remainder of the game. “Yeah, we played pretty strong offensively there in the first, had good puck movement up the ice. We’re struggling a bit on the backcheck but I think we’re getting the monkey off our backs here and we’re starting to generate better chances for us.” Unfortunately, generating chances was exactly what the Bros struggled to do in the second until Van Pelt went dekes out for Harambe with a MOAB slapshot from the circle that landed on the far side top shelf in the back of the net. With that goal, Van Pelt was reminding folks that Hurricane Harvey will be bringing the thunder and bringing the rain. “Folks, go to your local grocery store, and stock up on the essentials, because I’m putting the biscuits on the top shelf next to the peanut butter and on the other side of the cookie jar.” The celebration was short lived, however, as the BR continued to exploit the size match on defense. Despite Bert “Something More Than Bro” Bischof and Ross “Speed Trap Bro Town” Tagtow’s best efforts, BR tacked on another goal to regain the lead. The BRs took their 4-3 lead to the locker rooms before the start of the third and final period.

Gifford had other plans at the start of the third. He collected a breakout pass from captain Andrew “Hudson Brommodore” Feigenbaum and miraculously scored on a no look backhand shot from the corner to tie the game at four. The BR kept pace, and quickly scored two more goals to take a commanding 6-4 lead that carried deep into the third. Jay “Palmetto Brose” Wood played his best defensive game of the season, and did an excellent job of clearing the crease all night and also provided solid positional play on the forecheck to keep the puck in the zone on several crucial forechecks. McIntosh deked, dangled, and curled his way to the net to stealthily put the puck in the net to bring the Bros within one goal, and then Beard scored a shorthanded goal after a bizarre interference call was made on Bro goalie Chris “To a Bro That I Loved” Luscombe to tie the game. Unfortunately, the BR scored last on a blooper where Luscombe’s loose goalie stick hit the uncovered puck for a slow motion, game winning goal. Tappen checked in with the Bro’s tender after the game to ask about adjustments and looking ahead to the playoffs. “Well, Kat, it’s tough. We were undersized tonight on defense, but I think the guys did well on offense. Had some key blocks from Feigs and Jay to help out but we just couldn’t get it done. We need some more defensive help from the wings when we’re all in the zone, but we’ll watch the tape and make adjustments. Shake it off, and work on getting ready for the playoffs. Anything can happen.”

For his three-point game and stellar play, Beard was awarded the team’s coveted Gonzales Flag. Van Pelt earned second star honors. The team looks for their first win in five weeks next Wednesday against the Snipez.

GAME NOTES:

Fabian Figi was a healthy scratch. He’s still going full speed in the whirlwind European wedding season, and was spotted by paparazzi partying with Nino Niederreiter.

Steve Czerniak was a late game day decision scratch. His status is known only to the team’s roster app.

Nick Leggett was also a late game day decision scratch. His status isn’t even known by the team’s roster app. Rumor has it he was on a farm.

BY THE NUMBERS:

13- goals given up by the Bros in the past two games.

6- most goals scored by the Bros in a game this season.

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