I HAVEN’T SEEN YOUR BROS IN A WHILE: GOLDEN THRASHERS SHRED BROS

AUSTIN, Texas- (AP)- The Pond Hockey Club. It sure seems like we’ve turned back the clock to the 1990s, doesn’t it? The pushing of articles of impeachment against the president, rising tensions and distrust toward Russia, OJ Simpson may be going back to prison, all five Spice Girls are about to go on tour, a bench-clearing brawl involving the Red Wings in Detroit, “Twin Peaks” is back on TV, Bro Travis Considine is still seen shopping at Gap Kids- for himself, and a goalie beat the Bros into submission last night wearing cutoff blue jean shorts more commonly referred to jorts. Yes- you read that correctly. This game was one the Bros hope to quickly forget, as their opprobrious offensive efforts continue to plague them this season.

The Boys in Black started out with decent neutral zone speed and a strong breakout. Early efforts from Kevin “Bro Mirage” Mako and Cam “Bro Show” Cunningham put the Golden Thrashers on their heels, but a lack of coverage on the backcheck led to a quick goal against Chris “Brona Lisa” Luscombe. The Bros continued to battle up the ice in the first with good puck movement from Fabian “Bromaha” FigiNoah “Pavement Bro” Leggett and Nick “Don’t Try Bro” Leggett and the hyper-aggressive Chris “Windows Bro” Beard, but the Bros just could not find ways to finish their shots. After one frame of play, the Bros were down by a single, manageable goal.

The second period was forgettable for the Bros. The Golden Thrashers managed to tally two quick goals to go up a trio. The third goal was questionable as the team felt a crease violation should have been called on the 6’6″, 290 pound behemoth of a winger; however, somehow neither referee saw his entire mass in the crease blocking Luscombe. After calling a timeout, the Bros regrouped and refocused. After a few minutes of ping and pong, the Thrashers scored a shorthanded goal to add insult to injury to take a dominating four goal lead. The Bros finally managed get on the board when captain Andrew “Embrocadero” Feigenbaum jumped on a play from the blue line to dig the puck out from the corner. With no one to send a centering pass to, he shot the puck at the goalie’s back where the puck ricocheted into the net. After two-thirds of the game were completed, the Bros were down 4-1.

With a fire underfoot, the Bros quickly struck in the third period. After Mako put the moves on a few defenders to get a shot off, Beard finished the play to put the Bros within striking distance with the help of Brian “Labrorinth” Cunningham. Unfortunately, the Thrashers kept pouring on the offense. Despite the best efforts of Michelle “Girl Like Bro” StockRoss “You and Bro” TagtowFeigenbaum, and Luscombe, the Thrashers managed another three goals in the third period. The Bros struggled to break the puck out of the zone, and Luscombe‘s paddle managed to break free of his grip several times. Steve “Inside My Head Bro” Czerniak was left with a wide open net several times, but the team just could not manage to get the puck to him. Jay “B.R.O.W.W.T.W.” Wood’s hot stick has cooled, but he defended the blue line and provided solid man-to-man coverage.

After the loss, BHL correspondent Jeremy Roenick talked to the captain about changes moving forward. “Well, Jeremy, we’re not in panic mode or anything. We know we’re struggling a bit offensively, but we’ve got a good core. Just have to keep our feet moving and sticks on the ice. Guys need to make sure that they know what they’re doing when they don’t have the puck, and I think things can fall into place. We haevn’t been playing strong fundamental hockey lately. Some of the wingers have gotten caught behind the the play on the backcheck, and we haven’t been able to execute on the trap zone coverage on defense. We’ll take a look at the tape and make adjustments and make sure we have a short memory.”

For his two-way efforts, Noah Leggett was awarded the team’s coveted Gonzales Flag that was replaced by Figi, who lost the original. Once the original is found, the piece of hockey history at the Barn will be meticulously restored, and proudly displayed from the rafters of someone’s forgotten garage door.

The team has a ten day hiatus, and look to bounce back on Saturday, November 25th against the equally-struggling Big Benders at 6:25pm.

GAME NOTES

-Travis Considine did not play due to a PR nightmare that doesn’t involve Puerto Rico or their ongoing struggle with restoring power.

BY THE NUMBERS

2- number of times Golden Thrashers have scored…

7- …against the Bros.

 

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